Toilet Training Cats 101

Yes, ladies and gents, you read that correctly. I have had quite enough of the whole litter box scenario. It's gross, unsanitary, and one of my biggest pet peeves is stepping in litter with bare feet. Soooo no bueno.

Here are the students: Dumbledore on the left and Merlin on the right:

As a result of having young, impressionable kittens and a seriously small living space myself, I thought toilet training my boys would not only make a cool party trick, but also save the mess, hassle, germs, and tons of money in the long run. Plus, I'm not an idiot. My cats obey me when I'm here, but I know for a fact they climb on the counters when I'm not around. Proof? Steel wool and sponges found in the living and bed rooms..... If they're walking on the counters after taking a big fat poo, who knows where ELSE they're walking and how many poo particles are in other places. In a word, gross.

So, while I was purchasing a ginormous cat post at petco one day, I saw this kit called the "Litter Kwitter" (I know, such clever spelling), and was oh-so tempted to buy it. However, the girlfriend seemed doubtful that it would actually work and said I would be wasting $50.

Fast-forward several weeks later and I was still thinking about it. Figuring that if it didn't work I'd be $50 down, which is not fun, OR if it worked I'd be saving at least $25/month in litter and countless inhalations of kitty poo fumes and litter grains stuck between my toes. Fucking FABULOUS!

So, on my next day off I marched over to Petco to get this nifty little kit and not only were there a lot there (last time it was before Christmas and there was only one left), but this time, it was on sale for $39.95! Hot damn. It was my lucky day.

It is a 3 step program that gradually weans them off litter while introducing them to going in the toilet. It guarantees they'll be trained in 8 weeks or less.

It comes with a toilet seat rim that can fit over any conventional toilet (Japanese style squatters not included), and three trays. The first is red and is a pan into which you pour about 5 cups of litter (no hole). The instructional DVD that is included tells you to get them used to the whole thing on the ground near the toilet. I don't have much floor space in my bathroom and their litter box was already in the bathtub since Dumbledore has a thing for peeing in drains. So I just switched it out.

This was quite a messy stage since there's not a whole lot keeping the litter in that pan and they love to spray litter all over the place when they bury the waste. However, being contained in the tub, it wasn't so bad. And yes, I cleaned/swept up before using the shower myself. So now was a waiting game to see if they would adjust to this part.

Well I didn't have to wait long. That's one good thing about all this. Animals, like us, have to pee and poo a few times a day, so as long as you're home and paying attention, you can catch them and correct any behavior very quickly. Merlin (pictured above) is very laid back and adapts easily to change. Dumbledore, on the other hand, has different ideas about going to the bathroom. He's a little more prissy and needs his area to be clean. If I've been lazy or if he's not comfortable with the arrangement, he'll default to any drain. Most recently, it was the sink... ugh. He got the right idea, however, after I caught him squatting in the sink the second time and plopped him in the litter. Honestly, I think he hates litter as much as I do, which is why I believe he'll love being toilet trained as much as I will.

Next step was to move the toilet shaped litter pan to the toilet itself:

This was the part I was worried about. That big of a change could prompt Dumbledore to start going in the tub again. The question was how to keep him from defaulting to a drain. After watching him go to the tub and try to drink residual shower water (all cats do this in case you didn't know), I had an idea. I plugged the drains so that if he DID pee in the tub, the pee would stay there and not go down the drain, which is the effect I think he likes best. I did the same with the sink. Then, to discourage him even more from using it as a toilet, I let a little water run so there was a puddle by the drain. He loved it! I was a brand new watering hole! Both of them have been drinking from it. I repeated it with the sink, but the plug doesn't fit tight enough to keep the puddle. I then decided to take a plastic jar/tub/thing (take-out thai food container to be exact) and put them over the drains just to create that extra barrier.

As a result, I had switched the roles of the toilet and tub. They loved drinking from the toilet and doing their business in the litter box in the tub. I essentially created the same thing, but reversed.

Merlin, as suspected, had absolutely no problem at all and as soon as he had to pee, jumped up and went.

Woohoo! Go Merlin!  Unfortunately, Dumbledore was going to need a bit more coaxing, so I made a trip down to Mud Bay to grab what is hopefully my last bag of litter and some food. While there, I spotted something that I knew would help my cause and be healthy for the little buggers as well.

Dried Bonito flakes!! For those of you not in the know, these are cured and dried fish shavings. Strangely enough, Japanese LOVE to top their food (especially okonomiyaki) with these. They move with the steam and heat waves coming off the food, which gives them the appearance of being alive. Along with being totally creepy, they taste disgusting. I could never get into them. But whatever, the cats LOVE them! Anyhoo, I thought it was particularly amusing that in the States they sell them solely as cat treats -- never as actual people food. Though I'm sure you could find them at Uwajimaya and H-Mart in the snack sections.

I worked with Dumbledore last night: placing him on the litter seat and giving him bonito flakes while telling him what a good boy he was and generally schmoozing him into feeling comfortable up there. (I'm an excellent schmoozer. I work in retail. It's my job.) He never went last night -- I think he was holding out. However, I knew something would happen in the morning. AND IT DID!!

Ta da!!! Go DD! And what nice form he has too :-). I was such a proud mama this morning. I made sure he got extra ear scratches and treats. I left for an hour to get breakfast and when I returned realized that one of them had pooed in the tray! This is important, folks. Peeing is the easy part. Pooing is the more anxiety inducing part. I know this from experience. When having to use the Japanese squatter toilets for the first time squatting to pee was easy -- I'd done it in nature quite a few times. But pooing was another matter all together -- no one wants to clean that shit up, literally. In fact, our "first squatting experience" was a popular topic of conversation among the gaijin that first week we were there.

Anyway, I figured the mystery poo was Merlin since he seems to do everything first. 5 minutes later, the suspicion was confirmed.

Another victory for DD! Fan-fucking-tastic! Step 1.5 accomplished! Now all I have to do is wait a week or so (they recommend 2 weeks at each stage and it's already been one) and then switch to the orange ring below:

At that point they will learn how to go into the water itself but still have the security of the litter in the ring around there. Luckily, most of the time the waste lands in the center part of the red ring anyway so it seems like it'll be a common sense transition. We shall see.

To be continued....

Customer Etiquette 101

It has come to my attention in the past 3 years of working in 3 different bakeries (2 in Seattle and one in Durham, NC) that while we get extensive training to BECOME a barista and tips on providing outstanding customer service, those of you who haven't had the opportunity to work in the customer service industry are in DIRE need of a class on how to be an outstanding customer -- or even a decent one at that!

Well, today is your lucky day. For I have compiled a list of helpful hints that will help you become your favorite retailer's favorite customer! And, what's more, I'm offering you this advice free of charge! That's right, ladies and gents, this is invaluable information that can result in a multitude of benefits for you, your retailer, and eventually, help promote world peace -- a lofty claim, yes, but one I believe to be true.

Just follow these simple rules and not only will you be a happier person in your day-to-day life, but you might even end up with some pleasant surprises along the way! "What kind of surprises?" you ask. Well, certainly a few freebies here and there to start. After that, depending on the person behind the counter/register/espresso machine/pastry case, you could end up with another connection or even a great friend. And, after all, we could ALL use a new friend. So, come on peeps! Let's make love, not war! Woohoo!

1) R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Here is what it means to me!


Alright folks, let's go back to the Golden Rule that I'm sure all of our parents or teachers taught us along the way, "Treat others how you would like to be treated."  Along with that, I would like to mention the very well known common courtesy words "please" and "thank you". Oh, you've heard of them? Wow! That's fabulous. Let's start practicing those more often, shall we? After all, we are doing you a service for which you should be thankful, right?

First thing's first: Those people behind the counter who are dutifully handling your food and drink (this is a VERY important detail on which I will elaborate later) are actually human beings -- you know, with eyes, ears, brain and emotions too! I know, it's incredible! So, here are some typical signs of disrespect that will get you absolutely nowhere beneficial:

• Throwing bills at me, ESPECIALLY when crumpled. Seriously? You can't take that moment of extra time to un-crumple them for me? I mean, one of us is going to have to do it, because they won't lay flat in the till while balled up, which means that either way, you'll have to wait. So stop being a lazy ass and do me the favor of handing me flattened out bills. Ok? Thanks.
• Standing there impatiently with your outstretched hand waiting for your change. I know you need change. I have to collect it first and sometimes the bills stick together or the coins don't cooperate with me. Deal with it and stop being a dick. Stretch out your hand when I present the change. Ok? Thanks.
• Continuing to read your email on your phone, talking on your phone or even chatting with the person next to you without even making eye contact or acknowledging my existence. Ok, so like I said above: We're human beings and we're having an interaction. Please have some class and set down your phone, pause your conversation for one minute so we can communicate clearly with you as to what you want. 
• Which leads me to..... Remember what you ordered! Unfortunately, many people seem to have ordering amnesia and then get mad at the poor barista/server/whoever who was only following what the order said, which, coincidently, is what YOU said to begin with. Please don't change your mind after you order -- we aren't THAT telepathic.  It's really annoying and inconsiderate to us, the planet (waste-wise) and the other customers who now have to wait longer because your dumbass can't remember shit. 
• Barking at me "Receipt! Receipt!" while distracted with something else. Again, I'm not a dog. I'm a person. Full sentences are highly appreciated. Ok? Thanks. 
• Not knowing what you want and being indecisive by the time you reach the front of the line when there's a HUGE line snaking behind you. At any other time, a good retailer will gladly and enthusiastically answer any question about any product. However, during a huge rush when there's a line out the door and the people behind the counter are trying their hardest to serve everyone quickly and efficiently, it's really, really, REALLY annoying and disrespectful to get up to the front and stand there being indecisive and asking us questions such as "What's good?" (Are you fucking serious? Can't you fucking read? Look at the goddamned menu for fuck's sake! That's what it's there for! Gahh!) This seemingly innocent moment for you takes up several minutes and several transactions worth of time and pisses off everyone else behind you. Why do we care so much? Because we can see the glaring-I'm-going-to-kill-you expressions on ALL the faces behind you. What happens when they get pissed off? They get grumpy and take it out on us. Then we get grumpy because everyone else is grumpy, and it's all because you were an indecisive idiot. Decide what you want from afar, and THEN get in line. Ok? Thanks.
• Stealing other people's drinks. Just stop it. If you aren't sure -- even if there's the slightest bit of doubt, just ask. We'd much rather have you ask than steal someone's drink. When you do that, what happens? The other person whose drink you stole gets mad at the barista because "their drink is taking too long". The poor barista gets confused and has to stop their perfectly timed flow to suss out what the deal is. This makes people grumpy, which in turn makes us grumpy. So just stop it. Ok? Thanks.
• Ordering annoying drinks: The most annoying drink you could EVER order solely due to the amount of time it takes to make and the waste it creates: the grande dry cappuccino or the grande soy cappuccino. First: A dry cappuccino means it's espresso shots with foam on top -- no milk mixed into the shots. So in a grande/16oz cup that means the bottom inch is coffee and the rest of the fucking cup is foam. In order to get that foam you have to steam the milk and then pop it in the fridge for 10-20 seconds while the shots are running to firm up the foam. It's hard to get enough foam in one pitcher to fill a whole grande cup, so we usually have to do 2 pitchers. By the time we have enough foam we still have at least a whole grande cup's worth of not-as-foamy milk left in the pitchers, which we usually have to throw away because it's not good for another drink. Annoying and wasteful -- not to mention, completely ridiculous! Why the hell would you want that much foam???? Finally, soy milk is REALLY hard to foam because of the lack of fat in the liquid. This makes making a grande soy cappuccino especially difficult. Cappuccinos are meant to be small, so please just order them that way. The baristas, other customers and cows will thank you immensely, ok? Thanks.

Now, besides just wanting to be a good person and be respectful, there is another very important reason to do so. Ahem..... remember that WE are the ones handling your food and drinks. There are many ways we could "enhance" your food. Ever seen the movie "Waiting"? If not, you should, and know that stuff like that really does happen. Never make enemies with your food service provider. Yes, you help create our paychecks, but honestly, dealing with an asshole-ish customer is SO not worth it. I have never done anything, but have been very tempted. Pushed far enough and I would have no qualms about letting a little bodily fluids drop into your so impatiently anticipated drink. 

2) The customer is NOT always right:

Whoever invented the asinine statement that they are should be shot. Sometimes, they are right, for sure. Sometimes they are not. And here's why: We are all human. It's really as simple as that. I am trained in what I am doing and do it for 8-10 hours a day. I might, just might, have a tad more experience in the running of my store than you do. Whatever frustration you might have with the way things are going, know that it's never personal and we really did not try to fuck up your day. There are always reasons behind our actions. So please, extend us the same courtesy, take a chill pill, and try not to fuck up ours. Ok? Thanks.

3) Be aware of your surroundings: 

This includes signs and menu boards that may be anywhere from the floor to the ceiling but are there precisely to assist you in making your decision and answer your questions before you ask a staff member. We create these helpful tools for two reasons: A) to help and direct you, the valued customer; and B) to help us not go insane by answering the same goddamned question a million times a day. Parents and teachers, I'm sure you can relate.

5) Remember that you are in Seattle: 

What do I mean by that? I mean that when you come into a cafe or coffee shop and ask for coffee, and we ask, "What kind?" please don't look at us like we're the idiots. This is the coffee capitol of the world, folks. One of the first things a tourist should do is get themselves up to date on the coffee lingo if they plan to partake in one of our spectacular traditions. When I ask you what size, please don't say "regular". There is no "regular" size. In our shop, there are 3 different sizes: 8oz/short, 12oz/tall, and 16oz/grande. These are conveniently posted on our coffee menu, written in neon yellow and green and in impeccably clear hand-writing. I know this because I wrote them myself and they are glorious. So, please, follow rule number 4, read the sign and be specific. And for fuck's sake, don't look at me like I'm an idiot. I'm just trying to help you. 

4) Latte Art: 

You may not know this, but those latte designs we do take a LOT of practice. They are certainly not easy and the skill and art that goes into them should be highly appreciated. I've been doing this for years, make excellent espresso drinks and have only recently been able to pull these off. A simple "thank you" or a "that's beautiful" goes a long way.

5) Tipping:

We don't make a whole lot, but are expected to run around like chickens with our heads cut off and cater to every whim and need of hundreds of people while maintaining a ridiculously high level of energy and mood. We're not expecting you to tip every time, but a little here and there is greatly appreciated. We depend on those for many different things.... like rent :-)

6) There's a lot going on behind the scenes:

Please be aware and understanding of this. What you see is not all there is.

7) We're not stupid or uneducated:

Just because we work in customer service or food service does NOT at all mean we are unintelligent. Many of us have our undergrad/BA. Many of us are working towards that. Some of us have a masters or business degree or other vocational degrees or varying certifications. I, for instance, have my BA in foreign languages and can speak Spanish, German and French, a bit of Japanese and am teaching myself ASL. I also have a certification in Vibrational Medicine. Some of us are interested in music production, aerospace engineering, baking, alternative medicine, photography, acting. Some of us have traveled all over the world and have seen more places and experienced more things than you could ever imagine. So please don't turn your nose down on us or judge us because of our place of employment. I happen to love making espresso drinks and love the people I work with. We are like family. Most of us will move on to follow our passions eventually. For some of us, this is exactly what we want to do. So, please don't think I'm an idiot, or I might start screaming at you in German. And that could make you pee your pants.


If you follow the above rules of Customer Etiquette 101 you will find that you are happier, have better drinks and better food because they are made and served with love and appreciation. With friendly, sincere and heartfelt connections and conversations with your fellow humans behind the counter, you'll find that you have a whole crew of new friends. Maybe you'll find a love interest! Maybe you'll find that one connection you need. Maybe, since we love you, we'll show our appreciation now and then with a free coffee or pastry! Maybe you'll just start out each day a little bit happier than you were when you woke up. And wouldn't that be worth it? Wouldn't it be great if we could just spread the love and respect instead of the apathy and rudeness? Think about if you started your morning happier.... it would spread like wildfire into your own coworkers. Then they would spread it to others! Soon, the love and happiness would spread all over! Like I said, this is a lofty claim, but I believe it to be true. Love and respect for your fellow barista/server/HUMAN will result in world peace.

Help me help YOU to spread the LOVE!!